I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
