the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
