I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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