I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick