Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
