Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Drunk is a universal language darling