Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel