god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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