I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
someone owes me an orgasm
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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