you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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