dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
