Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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