I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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