I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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