My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
