Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
