My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
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Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Dick very happy bro
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.