So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
