News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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