hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
