How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
