I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
