i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
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Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
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let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.