Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
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I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
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Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail