I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
