If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
