I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
