Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
