i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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