the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
