My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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