Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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