You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
