I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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