i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This is classic penis vs brain.
He did a backflip because drugs
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