I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
