I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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