I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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