if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
