i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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