I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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