Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I got inside last night via doggy door
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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