ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
