Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
