Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
