he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
