did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
