Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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