I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
