I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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